There has been a lot of debate around breastfeeding and formula. The majority of it is focused around benefits for the baby. This framing misunderstands and minimises where these benefits come from. The benefits to babies are rooted in a safe, secure attachment to their mother. In parallel to the therapeutic relationship, the benefits begin in the quality of the relationship, not the approach taken, or the milk given.
The British paediatrician, Donald Winnicott once commented that, “there is no such thing as a baby.” Babies only exist in relation to. The framing of the breast is best, fed is best debate has been centred around the baby’s nutritional needs and immune system, but these are not separate from the relationship. Being mentally and physically well enough to be present, connect and enjoy the early days is what supports both the mother and the baby, with breastmilk or formula.
In Scotland, I have experienced and witnessed the tremendous pressure to breastfeed. As a continuation of the pressure for a ‘natural’ birth. So much is framed around a certain ideal of the experience of motherhood, creating trauma where it need not be for women who want to but cannot meet them for whatever physical or psychological reason. This has led far too many women to find themselves in mothers’ groups with newborns apologising and justifying the limitations of their minds and bodies.
Breast is not best, not even fed is best. What is best is the psychological wellbeing of the mother. The best outcomes for the relationship come when mothers have the psychological bandwidth to be present and bond with their babies and are supported, supported without pressure or shame, well intentioned or otherwise.
If you find yourself struggling to breastfeed, feeling as though you are failing, that maybe you need to try harder, to pump more, to get a better latch. These are representative of a narrative that is not best for you or your baby. Not everyone can breastfeed, even if they try their hardest, no matter what certain advocates claim. Nor should you need to prove you can’t to justify not. You matter, and you matter more than anyone else to your baby. How you feel matters. What you want matters. You do not need to keep trying, you do not need to try in the first place.
The conversations around breastfeeding need to be rooted in what is best for the mother, by her own determination, because anything else would not even be best for the baby either way. Too many women are made to feel like they need to hold themselves on the edge of sanity and it is not what is best for anyone, any baby or any bond. If breastfeeding is breaking you down psychologically, it is ok to recognize it and act. If breastfeeding simply is not something you want to do, it is ok to recognize it and make another choice. There is strength in recognizing your needs. There are outstanding formulas available and your baby will benefit so much from having you present with them. Struggling is normal, support is available. Any good midwife or health visitor will tell you, put your mask on first. Breast is not best, your psychological wellbeing is, feeding is secondary.
